I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
