I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Too much gin, very little bucket
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
