areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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