My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
