Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
