a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
