I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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