she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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