Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
