i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
false alarm. still invincible.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
