Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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