You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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