So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
