Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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