Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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