How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize