she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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