Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
