I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize