can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize