Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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