You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
