i don't like sucking hair
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
