help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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