My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. š
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him āBeast Modeā. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
