Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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