after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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