life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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