Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
