Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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