I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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