i don't like sucking hair
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
