wrigley field is MILF paradise
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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