Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
