oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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