who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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