Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
