My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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