You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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