i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
