He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
