My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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