my shit smells like andre
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this will be a night to untag.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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