Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You brought string cheese to the strip club
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
