I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
