I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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