When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
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