watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
