Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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