Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
