girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
