i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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