we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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