I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
