I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
