Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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