Whod you bang
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
