i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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