Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
