If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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