When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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