that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
