It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
