he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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