If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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